I Am Not Who You Think I am
Don't worry, I am not #SnoopDogg's long lost sister. But close. He is my soulmate.
Ok, seriously...and this IS going to be a more serious #blogentry (and long, Wix tells me it is a 6 minute read! You got 6 minutes?), enter at your own risk.
I think a lot of people see my Facebook posts, my #lifecoaching job (maybe overly #motivational to some) my #relationship, my daughter, and think I have it easy, or my life is perfect/I have it all together. I get messages from people on my business pages, or even just friends saying things like, "You have the best life", or "You are the perfect mom" etc. Yes, I am happy. It is not fake. My joys are real. And I love to share joy. But I literally have worked for years and every single day, to create that 'ease' or 'happiness' because of my refusal to live like I did in the past (*insert drama and stress), and making damn sure Cora does not end up living that life, either. Ease does not come naturally to me. I had a #chaoticchildhood. I don't talk a lot about it, because I #healed a lot of that, and my job here is to #healothers, not bring people down. But I am realizing that it may be important to share more, to connect in that way, so you see, that despite hardships, you can get from point A (shitty shit) to point B (not as shitty shit). We all have our shit, but we cannot get stuck in victim mindsets, life is too short for that. A lot of my clients had not so great childhoods too, and I get to use my pain and experience for the power of helping them to move quickly through their shit wounds as well. Apparently I am going to say "shit" a lot during this post.
I am not ready to share my story publically, but I did deal with #physicalabuse and #emotionalabuse a lot of my life. I had many beliefs, such as I was "stupid" and "ugly", because I was told so, over and over again. I was overall pretty sad inside, but I quickly became the class clown to hide it. I mean, sure, I always loved making people smile and laugh. It lit my heart up from an early age. But, as I got older and I felt like I was ugly and no boys would ever like me, or my brother was the "genius" of the family (fact check...not a true genius), or I had "nothing going for me", I had to amp up the one thing I knew how to do well, so I would feel like I had some place in the world. So I did what I loved to do most, make people laugh. I did it everywhere; I did it after school while we hung with the 'cute skater guys', I did it performing my pretend talk shows at the dinner table, I did it for strangers at the diner (I literally would stand on a bench, singing and dancing wildly), and I did it during classes at school. Even if I got detentions (which I got about 3,000), it was ok with me, and worth it, because I had "a purpose". Don't get me wrong, I still love to make people laugh, but I finally let myself realize I am so much more than that. It took me years of therapy to unlayer all of the crap that had weighed me down and find the person that was shoved down because she was told she was not good enough as she was. We are all #goodenough just as we are. There is that cheesy motivational stuff you are here for!
When I #adopted Cora, I promised myself (and her birth mother) that she would have the best childhood I could possibly give her. We all want that for our kids, but going through the trauma I did, and the passion for giving her the opposite, drove me to sacrificing anything I had could to make that happen. As I have talked about, sacrificing so much (career, time, social life) I did hit a point where I had to make sure to maintain my own identity and saw that I couldn't be the best mom if I wasn't being the #bestme.
So I don't know that things are easy for me, I have my #anxieties, like anyone else. I worry about messing shit up, or being too this or too that. I joke that I am a "recovered" #perfectionist who isn't recovered, because I have come so far, but we are never done with our journey. A tiny piece of me may always seek validation in ways, and ya know what? THAT IS OK, too. I am not here to beat myself up. I had enough of that as a kid! I am not a perfect mom or human. But I also choose to find all of the joys I can, for her and I (and hubs of course, but that is another post!) I find things we can both enjoy together. I am present with her when I am with her. We do meditations together, we do dance and yoga together. Sometimes I want to do them alone, so I do. Sometimes she doesn't want to meditate, so she doesn't. I treat her like a person with feelings and worth, I ask her opinion, I involve her in conversations, in some video calls with my friends. The time I share with her, she FEELS me there and FEELS my joy. I am living in gratitude. That is key to a lot of it. Gratitude that I am out of not just my childhood shit, but toxic relationships and friendships, and in turn, broke the cycle of having my child live in a chaotic environment and learn those unhealthy behaviors. And when I am living in that gratitude, just joyful that I am lucky enough to be here, be with her, that truly helps her to be ok and not as needy when I need to do me: write a #blog, edit a video, or grab dinner with the girls. I get to live a #balancedmotherhood.
Another example of Christy going over the top. My 5 year old self (ok and 40 year old self, let's be honest) is alllllllll about this #DIY #weddingarchway. I am homeschooling Cora, so decided I wanted to make it the prettiest damn environment it could possibly be. Because not only are we #homeschooling, but in a freakin' #Pandemic. I refuse to get sucked into the #PandemicDepression that is trying to suck us all into. #Rainbows and #Unicorns and #MyBigFatGreekWedding mixed in, this room is our new #happyplace. I am sure it is not everyone's idea of a happy place (and may even be some people's idea of hell), but we all need to surround ourselves with things that make us #smile and feel good. Sure, I am #EXTRA as hell. I know. And I honestly love that about me. Sometimes I think it is only extra because most people don't let themselves be as free to embrace what may not be a societal norm. I have never been one to hold back. I think we all need to be a little more "extra" and follow our own #unique way of doing and being. And let our kids do the same.
Soulwork: Order one item that you LOVE, that is totally you, but you wouldn't normally get because you give too many shits what other people think. A fun/wild/revealing dress you have been eyeing? Furry car seat covers? (ok that may be nobody) An #art piece that wiggles your heart, but is 'too much'. Too much for who? Not for you! Go get you sooome. Go be 'just enough' for you.
#Homeschool day 2 was #amazeballs. It flowed easier, and I am sure more days will not flow as well. But I also know #itwillbeok.
Air clay #donuts may be all we do in art class from this point on! And we hypothesized (is that a word?) what temperature cheese melts during our #STEM grilled cheese sammy project. If I am gonna homeschool, I am doing it my way. That will def involve #pinksprinkleddonuts and eating our #scienceprojects! It #savestime, too!
This is just here because I looked up and almost let one of those wet things drop out of my eye #emotear because emotion came over me as I watched how they grow up so.damn.fast. Take these #sweetmoments in, my loves.
Christy